October

I sat in my home away from home

It was just like the previous ‘away-home’, or the one before

Except it had a window.

A window so huge it made everyone outside be able to peer into my home

A window so huge I could just lie in my bed all day and look into the house infront of me

With the child with the ball that rolled off onto the street

The teenager heading out, headphones in 

The woman with 3 grocery bags getting out of her car 

A window so huge the sun mercilessly hit my face every day even before the day began

But now it was October

The month of beginning of celebrations

The month of change

The month of evenings turning cool and airy from damp and unbreathable

The sun no longer hit me the way it did,

Instead, it loomed at a distance, offering warmth but not agony

As I peered outside my window, I saw lights hung up in preparation of the festivities

The same lights that hung from my house many years ago

I sat for hours until the lights appeared brighter, the sun finally leaving, the day coming to an end

All I wanted was to freeze the time before the darkness crept in and I had to close the curtains

Lest the view from outside becomes too clear

Lest they see the mess on the dressing room, the crooked wall hanging,

Or just my face, looking back at them.

As I got up to draw the curtains, I breathed the outside air, peering through the window one last time.

The cool air smelt of grass, and crackers, and movement, like it knows of the days to come

Everyone seemed to be a little more dressed up on the streets

It was the same scent, the same light as 15 years ago

In a different home, across a different window, through a different set of curtains

I felt a similar stirring in my stomach as I did back then

A feeling I had not felt in a long time

A longing, a hope that something was about to change, that life was going to get better

Except I had become more jaded, and I knew now that this momentary feeling of hope does not mean a better life to follow

(And what does better even mean?)

I remembered the naivety of my childhood, the awe and wonder I was filled with

Marveling at the decorative rangolis, or the crackers, or the differently shaped diyas.

I didn’t feel the same anymore,

Not exactly.

Only the memory of that feeling with the anxiety of tomorrow

As the clock struck 5:30, I realised I had spent the last 4 hours here, lost in thought

Wondering what different future awaited me after all those years - would it be any different?

Did I even want it to be different?

Lost in the nostalgia of the past, willing it to come back.

Except it was perhaps better placed where it was, in my memories- ready to be taken out when I wanted to

The future was as uncertain then as it was now

What did it matter what I felt then of the future v/s what I felt now?

Both futures were imaginary,

Both didn’t exist.

I was here.

I am here.

In the present, 

Just appreciating the lights, 

The incessant chirping of the birds, 

The greenery,

The whistle of an airplane flying by, 

The faint barking of a dog in a neighbouring house.

Just appreciating October.

For the time being, all I can think of is how beautiful it is

So, I shut the window

Just as the last shred of light goes out

Just before it’s a month too late and a bit too too cold to want to step out

I pick up my purse, lock the house and merge into it instead of observing it

Thank God it is October.